Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
So I went to the dentist.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
You know those Mange-tout? They're really nice but I couldn't eat a whole one
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
"Cruel Professor"
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
"Barracks Humour"
Mr. Johnson got a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
The secretary replied, "Why no, sir, all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
A fsh.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
They charged one and let the other one off.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
"There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus
and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.
"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation.
For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"
When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw that my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"