Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily
hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at
the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,replies: "Yes we do
have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman then asks
"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu sssell aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong
aandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

The old woman asks: "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww
tttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"